Sometimes you are born into a life that is early on to be a difficult start full of pain, fear, and sadness. At such a young age where I was unable to talk and still learning to walk so can’t defend yourself at all so I was depending on an adult to save me. It hard to have such happen when the only other adult is needing saving themselves. The mind does a quick job at hiding the memories once when removed from the situation when the other adult gets away from the bad that was going on which is called repression. This repression helped me to continue on with my life as I grew up but it was still not an easy life despite how my mind protected me. I was hit with an onslaught of bullying beginning at the age of 9 that didn’t stop til my senior year of high school. It’s the reason why I feel that people see everything in looks and they think overweight people are those to be looked down upon. I became overweight at 9 yrs old unknown to why and it been a fighting battle since. I’d like to touch on all that in another post though.

I’m sure that without me mentioning what happened to me as a toddler that it obvious. I should say that I was physically abused at 2 yrs old and again at 5 yrs old. Divorce was a good thing in this case that kept me safe. However the damage was already done. PTSD is one diagnosis I have from the abuse and the repression unfolding a couple decades ago. I’ll say in simple forms that vividness of my nitemares are to the point that I wake thinking it was actually real and even my dreams are vivid. I’m known to yell out “no” or some other words from my nitemares due to the realness of them. It’s extremely scary that I couldn’t fully describe in words. The sheer waking up in tears, body shaking, and just wanting to be held is new types of feelings for me in the past few years. I’ll discuss why this is happening in an upcoming post since it is in depth.

In a cycle of different therapists I been through in couple of decades, some would say to forgive the one who abused me so I could move on and get some kind of peace. I have tried to at least speak to that person and try to understand why they did it. After all my suffering, I guess I think maybe they have some mental health strife but they twisted my intentions so I gave up. I refuse to forgive them. I won’t listen to anyone give advice on that to do such since I know how this person is. They have made me doubt myself, doubt men, doubt love, and such. It just not how my life should have been. I deserved so much better of a life (my bff Claire always said).

Thankies for reading about this personal part of my life. Upcoming posts will delve more into my life. I hold nothing back. If you not into these things then please just look at rest of my site. Blessed be.