disability

It has been quite a bit since I’ve done a post here due to so much of my life being like a disaster of stress ball of tangled yarn. I decided to do just a random like blog since I wouldn’t even know how to break it all down into separate blog posts. They’d end up with some short and some long so was better to do just like a summarized post of everything. The question always is though, where to start in the chaos.

I suppose we’ll start with the onslaught of apartment related stuff I had to deal with. My manager here hadn’t done an inspection in like 2-3 years then suddenly this year while I dealing with so much he decides he wants to do them again. Luckily I got the assistant manager to do the inspection itself so I think she was more chill about the whole thing. I became more concerned about her little puppy in carrier and where my cat was than to be freaked out during the inspection. I passed the inspection so sigh of relief there. I also got my annual recertification done with minimal panic attacks as they didn’t require my bank statements this year. Although I wish they’d tell me that they don’t need to anymore since it cost me $5 a month to get the paper statements. Highway robbery banks are I tell you.

I lost my home aide agency due to my stupid borderline personality disorder and it’s spikes of anger. The last year of having these temper issues is really annoying me. I’ve asked my therapist to please find ways to help me that my stubborn mind will follow. Anyway, I have no help from a home aide til a new agency gets assigned to me which I don’t know when that’ll be. They constantly telling me how there is a shortage of home aides but there are alot of housecleaning service people out there. So why can’t they work as a home aide? There isn’t a complete difference since many times a home aide isn’t adept to doing the lifting and such to be hands on caregivers. I mean my last one said she had to have back surgery so definitely certain they not equipped for such things. When I simply sweep my floors I feel like I going to collapse as my heart is pounding, my feet kill me more, my legs are ready to buckle, and my asthma acts up alot. People come into my home and see me walking without my walker then probably think “oh she fine” except they dead wrong. The old saying of: Don’t judge a book by it’s cover. Basically don’t judge me by what you see and by my moody moments.

I been dealing with losing my best friend for good. I couldn’t deal with the bull of being harassed by someone simply ’cause he friends with her and she hates me. The fact that I had to put my foot down with her and also with him after another incident when I was already dealing with way too much. I despise silent treatment and lame excuses too. A best friend should be messaging you back when you need them or even in general. Hopefully he is doing good in his job, is healthy, and happy. That’s all I going to say about that as all of it was/is very depressing feeling for me.

Lastly was dealing with losing food stamps for first half of this month due to government stuff in this country. I had to figure how to stay on diet while budgeting like crazy. It left me to having to buy canned zero sodium veggies which I swore I’d never buy canned ones. Veggies are so difficult to get nowadays in frozen in store brand so canned is probably better. I don’t put anything on them so they so blah and weird tasting especially the carrots. I glad that got food stamps back but that put so much fear in me about if that dude in office enjoyed the power of it too much. I’m so sick of being kept awake at night worrying about my life. How quickly everything can be taken from me by this government. I expect the government to protect me and others like me but now it’s a scary one to me.

Well that is all for this blog. I appreciate you all for reading this random post that is like all over the place. Please check the Site Updates page on my site to see when I add things and about upcoming things I plan to do for the site. Also please read the Important Note linked on the homepage of my site since it’s a must read if you like my site. Blessed be.

We go through life from our childhood filling ourselves with dreams, hopes, wants, needs, and desires. Life is surrounded by what these things are to us where we don’t feel fully satisfied with our lives til we’re successful in at least one of these goals. Each year we get older and find that simply entering adulthood brings obstacles to block the very things we want to achieve. We have to survive as paying bills, rent, and so forth put dreams of our future happy life that we had in our head in childhood and/or teen years. Even the most realist of a soul will still find their mind fill with grand dreams that we thought would be easy if we only are determined enough. However, no one can prepare for everything in life that could get in the way. I never imagined it. My thinking has always been a mix of realistic and dreamer but as I got to 40 years old I found that the dreamed side dwindled away. It was like a chipping of nail polish where it slow or quicker depending on the type of week and what the days entailed in damage to the beauty that is the polish. Life circumstances dashes out the light in some people’s lives without warning.

Despite my life swirling like a tornado across a field that had nothing to take its fury on, I’ve tried my best to keep going each day. Two times within 45 years of my life I had things drastically change for me with mental and physical disabling issues. I lived 20 years fighting against my own self having mental disorders then the summer I was turning 40, my physical self took a downward turn. I got sudden onset of peripheral neuropathy where I had fell from my left foot failing to stand. I did have numbing feet for approximately 3-4 months prior to the fall and went to see my primary doctor as well as a podiatrist that was referred to look at my feet with this unknown condition. Neither knew what was going on with me. I guess if you not have diabetes that doctors don’t even notice when you begin to get neuropathy. In July 2017, I ended up in hospital for 3 months while they figured it out since my insurance blocked them from doing something that was beyond cruel. They kept saying that it must be psychological since none of the tests they did on me was showing anything physically wrong. Even though the medication they gave me at a high dose caused my feet to lessen in their numbness. The test for neuropathy was never brought in til close to 2½ months. If you know about this stuff then you know that nerve test is not fun but it finally told them that I actually had a physical ailment.

I struggled all those months in the hospital to walk well at all. The palm of my hands would be red from my holding onto dear life of the standard walker that I got early on in the hospital thanks to my insurance. I got to the point that the walker became like a best friend. You have to get used to this new normal of life. It took me going home to finally start walking better slowly but surely. The speedy nurses and techs always made me extremely panicky that I wss going to fall. I fell more in the hospital than ever had at home. I tend to laugh at that now by saying they had no idea how to handle my ailment as I was on a gastric ward.

I’m summarizing this time in my life alot but it was a nitemare where at times I still get fearful dreams that people are trying to send me to a nursing home out of state. It’s what happened in there where they kept bringing it up. I grateful that my insurance never allowed it. It felt like they had more faith in me than doctors, nurses, and techs. Just another emotional scar in my life now. I still suffer from peripheral neuropathy but I went from using a wheelchair to using my walker to walking in my apartment. I have major walking issues still when I wearing shoes or when my balance is off. It’s simply how my life is. I going to wrap it up here. Thankies for reading.

Kitty Deviance™

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November Randomness

Falling & Relearning

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