Two times in my life have for the most part defined how everything is for me now as I creep up to 45 years of age. You have dreams of a life you want to have and you study endlessly in school then go off to college in hopes that all will lead to all you wanted in life. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do as a major in college going into the summer break of my first year so everything was up in the air. I’d never been so unsure about my life’s path til that first year of college. My schooling never prepared me for the absolute difficulty of the professors and coursework so I’d already change a major after first semester. It was a spiraling year where I was feeling like a tiny mouse in a cramped cage that I couldn’t figure out how to get to the food and water.

In August of that summer break, I was about to be 20 years of age and I was actually in a relationship with a guy I’d been friends with in school for years so I thought life was great. I’d decided on a major of computer science which I felt I’d be excellent at. Also enjoyed the unlimited free time of that summer being with my baby niece who was heading to being a year old that coming autumn. I started to feel nausea alot during August and it got to where it was so often that I didn’t know what to do. I felt nauseous my first week of freshman year of high school and it felt like that but it wouldn’t go away. It was less around my boyfriend at the time and of course when I was home that was my mom’s place back then. Time came I had to go back to college and the very first morning going to the city bus to head to the college, I experienced dry heaves the whole walk from my mom’s place to the bus stop and I literally felt like I was dying. I still went on the bus, breathing hard the whole way, and had to try to focus on one thing while listening to music just to try not to be sick. The first class I couldn’t concentrate at all or even realize I was actually in a class in my mind ’cause all I could think about was how unwell I felt and how weird everything felt. It only got worse when I left the classroom as I was walking through the hallway that I knew well after a year of going to this college and suddenly I didn’t know which way was left or right or even straight. I have to say that feeling disoriented is one of the worst feelings you can ever have when you in a familiar place. After I managed to make it through the day, I had begged my mom to come pick me up using an excuse that I had alot of heavy textbooks which I did. I went home, the nausea got overwhelming, and I unofficially dropped out of college which I hated myself.

Why was I so nauseous? It took til I was 24 years of age for me to finally have insurance again so I could seek help to find out. There was nothing medically wrong so I was told to seek a psychological place which I did with my mom in tow. She became like a security blanket for awhile to appointments. It only took like 2 appointments for the psychiatrist to figure it out what I had but took longer to deal with it. The unbearable overwhelming nausea was from agoraphobia where it made me afraid to even leave my mom’s place. I have it again as I mentioned in the Pandemic blog post. It did get fixed enough to go dormant after a long bit of psychiatry and therapy plus medication. Psychiatrist found that lying underneath was severe panic disorder, depression (which is persistent now), and PTSD. I felt like relieved to know what I had but also scared. The diagnosis came with the ever changing medications and I felt like a guinea pig. I’ll talk about all that difficulty in another blog. I rambling a bit.

I never went back to college and years went by with my battle of my mental health. Next I knew I was nearing my 40th birthday, it’s the spring and out of nowhere I’m shopping with my mom on our weekly trips when my feet suddenly feel odd. All I can remember from over 4 years ago is my feet slowly feeling like walking on tiny pillows or cushions. I’d wiggle my toes and at times I barely would feel them move. As July approached, my fingers started to feel tingle numb here and there. I went to see my primary doctor which he had no explanation for it after blood tests so he referred me to a foot doctor and they didn’t know but gave me gabapentin for the pain. The end of July, I fell on left foot and literally couldn’t stand so I had call 911. Trust me that you not find those commercials funny after this happens to you. So after my now dearly departed cat Ariella was scared and worried as I was taken away, I got to hospital waiting forever for help. It took 3 months in that hospital to get a neurological machine in to show that I had peripheral neuropathy. Yea epic facepalm to the hospital. I take a bunch of gabapentin now which does nothing for the pain. It took me over 2 years to walk through my apartment with a walker, another year to toddler and walk without a walker in my apartment, and now I use a walker around my apartment building with shoes on though my left foot just isn’t nice about it at times. I getting there. It just changed my life. I used to be speedy walking out this apartment building that I was like a ghost to the tenants. I’m an introvert and sometimes you want your space so I miss the days they didn’t notice me. I’ll speak more about my neuropathy in a future post.

Well I think this post is long enough. I’ll leave other thoughts for another blog post very soon. Thankies for reading. Blessed be. 😺