We go through life from our childhood filling ourselves with dreams, hopes, wants, needs, and desires. Life is surrounded by what these things are to us where we don’t feel fully satisfied with our lives til we’re successful in at least one of these goals. Each year we get older and find that simply entering adulthood brings obstacles to block the very things we want to achieve. We have to survive as paying bills, rent, and so forth put dreams of our future happy life that we had in our head in childhood and/or teen years. Even the most realist of a soul will still find their mind fill with grand dreams that we thought would be easy if we only are determined enough. However, no one can prepare for everything in life that could get in the way. I never imagined it. My thinking has always been a mix of realistic and dreamer but as I got to 40 years old I found that the dreamed side dwindled away. It was like a chipping of nail polish where it slow or quicker depending on the type of week and what the days entailed in damage to the beauty that is the polish. Life circumstances dashes out the light in some people’s lives without warning.

Despite my life swirling like a tornado across a field that had nothing to take its fury on, I’ve tried my best to keep going each day. Two times within 45 years of my life I had things drastically change for me with mental and physical disabling issues. I lived 20 years fighting against my own self having mental disorders then the summer I was turning 40, my physical self took a downward turn. I got sudden onset of peripheral neuropathy where I had fell from my left foot failing to stand. I did have numbing feet for approximately 3-4 months prior to the fall and went to see my primary doctor as well as a podiatrist that was referred to look at my feet with this unknown condition. Neither knew what was going on with me. I guess if you not have diabetes that doctors don’t even notice when you begin to get neuropathy. In July 2017, I ended up in hospital for 3 months while they figured it out since my insurance blocked them from doing something that was beyond cruel. They kept saying that it must be psychological since none of the tests they did on me was showing anything physically wrong. Even though the medication they gave me at a high dose caused my feet to lessen in their numbness. The test for neuropathy was never brought in til close to 2½ months. If you know about this stuff then you know that nerve test is not fun but it finally told them that I actually had a physical ailment.

I struggled all those months in the hospital to walk well at all. The palm of my hands would be red from my holding onto dear life of the standard walker that I got early on in the hospital thanks to my insurance. I got to the point that the walker became like a best friend. You have to get used to this new normal of life. It took me going home to finally start walking better slowly but surely. The speedy nurses and techs always made me extremely panicky that I wss going to fall. I fell more in the hospital than ever had at home. I tend to laugh at that now by saying they had no idea how to handle my ailment as I was on a gastric ward.

I’m summarizing this time in my life alot but it was a nitemare where at times I still get fearful dreams that people are trying to send me to a nursing home out of state. It’s what happened in there where they kept bringing it up. I grateful that my insurance never allowed it. It felt like they had more faith in me than doctors, nurses, and techs. Just another emotional scar in my life now. I still suffer from peripheral neuropathy but I went from using a wheelchair to using my walker to walking in my apartment. I have major walking issues still when I wearing shoes or when my balance is off. It’s simply how my life is. I going to wrap it up here. Thankies for reading.