Intro

February 7, 2022 — Leave a comment

I decided to have a blog area that will just be for talking about my personal life stuff since I want it to be separate from the updates of my website here. I know that I have things I want to talk about and discuss. I’ve stopped wanting to put this type of things on social media anymore due to the amount of unkind people who tend to read the things posted on there. Simple posts and comments can turn into toxic emotions in no time. I figured having it in blog form would be so much better received. I can control the comments more as well. I hope you all will like the posts I’ll put up.

Disclaimer: Some parts of blog posts may cause triggers of your mental health. Due to me talking about my own mental health in post then please be advised of the possibility of triggers.

November Randomness

November 20, 2025 — Leave a comment

It has been quite a bit since I’ve done a post here due to so much of my life being like a disaster of stress ball of tangled yarn. I decided to do just a random like blog since I wouldn’t even know how to break it all down into separate blog posts. They’d end up with some short and some long so was better to do just like a summarized post of everything. The question always is though, where to start in the chaos.

I suppose we’ll start with the onslaught of apartment related stuff I had to deal with. My manager here hadn’t done an inspection in like 2-3 years then suddenly this year while I dealing with so much he decides he wants to do them again. Luckily I got the assistant manager to do the inspection itself so I think she was more chill about the whole thing. I became more concerned about her little puppy in carrier and where my cat was than to be freaked out during the inspection. I passed the inspection so sigh of relief there. I also got my annual recertification done with minimal panic attacks as they didn’t require my bank statements this year. Although I wish they’d tell me that they don’t need to anymore since it cost me $5 a month to get the paper statements. Highway robbery banks are I tell you.

I lost my home aide agency due to my stupid borderline personality disorder and it’s spikes of anger. The last year of having these temper issues is really annoying me. I’ve asked my therapist to please find ways to help me that my stubborn mind will follow. Anyway, I have no help from a home aide til a new agency gets assigned to me which I don’t know when that’ll be. They constantly telling me how there is a shortage of home aides but there are alot of housecleaning service people out there. So why can’t they work as a home aide? There isn’t a complete difference since many times a home aide isn’t adept to doing the lifting and such to be hands on caregivers. I mean my last one said she had to have back surgery so definitely certain they not equipped for such things. When I simply sweep my floors I feel like I going to collapse as my heart is pounding, my feet kill me more, my legs are ready to buckle, and my asthma acts up alot. People come into my home and see me walking without my walker then probably think “oh she fine” except they dead wrong. The old saying of: Don’t judge a book by it’s cover. Basically don’t judge me by what you see and by my moody moments.

I been dealing with losing my best friend for good. I couldn’t deal with the bull of being harassed by someone simply ’cause he friends with her and she hates me. The fact that I had to put my foot down with her and also with him after another incident when I was already dealing with way too much. I despise silent treatment and lame excuses too. A best friend should be messaging you back when you need them or even in general. Hopefully he is doing good in his job, is healthy, and happy. That’s all I going to say about that as all of it was/is very depressing feeling for me.

Lastly was dealing with losing food stamps for first half of this month due to government stuff in this country. I had to figure how to stay on diet while budgeting like crazy. It left me to having to buy canned zero sodium veggies which I swore I’d never buy canned ones. Veggies are so difficult to get nowadays in frozen in store brand so canned is probably better. I don’t put anything on them so they so blah and weird tasting especially the carrots. I glad that got food stamps back but that put so much fear in me about if that dude in office enjoyed the power of it too much. I’m so sick of being kept awake at night worrying about my life. How quickly everything can be taken from me by this government. I expect the government to protect me and others like me but now it’s a scary one to me.

Well that is all for this blog. I appreciate you all for reading this random post that is like all over the place. Please check the Site Updates page on my site to see when I add things and about upcoming things I plan to do for the site. Also please read the Important Note linked on the homepage of my site since it’s a must read if you like my site. Blessed be.

Revamping my site

May 30, 2025 — Leave a comment

Ok this blog post is mostly about my site. It’s a short post too. So I apologize to those who subscribe to me. I plan to write a personal blog post soon. I am just focusing on my site and self care at the moment. I’m changing some designs on my site to make it look nicer. The logo and dividers have already been changed. I’ve altered the contact page since I wanted a different look to it. You’ll probably notice that the site updates page is missing from the menu which I have temporarily taken it off while I figure out how to make it look cleaner to give updates. It basically became a scrolling chaos page of giving you all updates I did on my site. I hopefully will have it back sooner than later. Enjoy the changes so far but know that things are still a work in progress.

Dieting Life

April 8, 2025 — 4 Comments

I started a diet recently ’cause I wanted to better my health especially to lessen weight strain on my feet and legs that makes it harder to walk with my neuropathy. I have decided to do the Mediterranean Diet since it seemed more healthy compared to others. I also felt it would be good to try since I read that John Goodman lost alot of weight being on it. I just need to incorporate exercises that I can actually do. It has been rough at times staying on the path of my diet since I have emotional eating problem. Craving foods I definitely shouldn’t have is a struggle. Living with persistent depression causes so many issues in my life from messed up sleep routines to fighting with emotional eating to lack of motivation to do daily things. I just feel so determined to stick to this diet for once no matter how hard things are in my life.

Everyday I follow the diet guidelines especially the foods allowed and not allowed to eat. My dinners used to be processed pasta mixes, parmesan couscous, or frozen meals. Now I eat chicken, whole wheat pasta, rice blend, steamed veggies, and potatoes. I trying to figure out other things to eat for dinners but gotta say that prices on healthy food and having to use Instacart makes it so difficult. I try to stay on the road of eating lunches now each day. The lunches usually consist of whole grain bread slices, cucumber slices, salad, cole slaw, and sometimes tuna fish. I don’t eat alot with the meal but I try to make it different as often as I can so I won’t get bored on the diet. I tend to skip breakfast due to me being asleep. Whenever I snacked before the diet, I would eat pint of ice cream, cookies, tapioca pudding, or ice cream pops. Basically loads of sugar and fat. Now I make snacks of fruits, a variety of small amounts in nuts, whole grain rice chips, outshine fruit ice bars, and Breyers carb smart ice cream. If I said I not already cheated on my diet then I’d be lying. In fact I was so worn out yesterday that I just up and ordered Subway to be delivered but I skipped the yummy cookies they have.

I can safely say that it’s going good so far though the scale isn’t showing a big change yet. I nearly cried when I got weighed at my neurologist yesterday. It’ll be ok though as time passes. I’ll keep you all updated on the progress. Of course I don’t think I would stay so on track if I didn’t have my best guy friend who lives in Canada constantly encouraging me. Though I know realistically I can’t depend on another person to motivate me to remain dieting but I have to do it myself.

Why Not Me?

April 3, 2025 — 3 Comments

I’ve gone through my life feeling like I just not good enough for any human being especially guys. People love to use me for whatever they want to but they never truly want me. I try to give them a chance to see me as something other than a dishrag basically and yet they never do. They also see me as nothing but someone who needs to be taken care of ’cause of my disabilities. It’s like people don’t realize that those whom are disabled can take care of themselves in many ways of life. The main thing I need help with is cleaning which is just a small part of everyday life.

Guys have always acted like I’m a good buddy ole pal or just a gal to use for their carnal needs. I’ve crushed on a lot of guys when I was in my school days which each time I admitted to liking them they’d tell me just how much they not like me. It’s always pointing out how terribly wrong I am to ever be wanted by them. If it wasn’t my weight then it was that my hair color wasn’t the right one or that I felt too deeply. I can’t be everything that’s perfect to be able to be wanted. As I grew older, all I seem good for is guys to play with me for like one day or night then just up and poof on me. Seriously if they only want that then maybe they should buy themselves a doll to toy with. The ones who actually show emotions for me will in no time backpeddle from feeling for me that you’d think I had the black plague. Recently I had a guy friend do it to me and I feel lonely, lost, empty, and broken. I feel so unwanted by guys and everyone. I wish I could just live life with no need for any human interactions since it is never good for me in the end.

So that’s why I constantly asking “why not me?” my whole life.

Writer’s Block

June 21, 2022 — Leave a comment

I’ve hit some writer’s block so it’s the reason there hasn’t been any posts of late. Basically every time I try to write down a blog post idea, I stop after a couple of sentences. I felt that it would be important to keep my subscribers updated so you all know that I have ideas of my experiences and want to have them posted but my mind is making it difficult. I’ll get to them as soon as I can though. Thankies for the constant support. 😺

Falling & Relearning

May 22, 2022 — 2 Comments

We go through life from our childhood filling ourselves with dreams, hopes, wants, needs, and desires. Life is surrounded by what these things are to us where we don’t feel fully satisfied with our lives til we’re successful in at least one of these goals. Each year we get older and find that simply entering adulthood brings obstacles to block the very things we want to achieve. We have to survive as paying bills, rent, and so forth put dreams of our future happy life that we had in our head in childhood and/or teen years. Even the most realist of a soul will still find their mind fill with grand dreams that we thought would be easy if we only are determined enough. However, no one can prepare for everything in life that could get in the way. I never imagined it. My thinking has always been a mix of realistic and dreamer but as I got to 40 years old I found that the dreamed side dwindled away. It was like a chipping of nail polish where it slow or quicker depending on the type of week and what the days entailed in damage to the beauty that is the polish. Life circumstances dashes out the light in some people’s lives without warning.

Despite my life swirling like a tornado across a field that had nothing to take its fury on, I’ve tried my best to keep going each day. Two times within 45 years of my life I had things drastically change for me with mental and physical disabling issues. I lived 20 years fighting against my own self having mental disorders then the summer I was turning 40, my physical self took a downward turn. I got sudden onset of peripheral neuropathy where I had fell from my left foot failing to stand. I did have numbing feet for approximately 3-4 months prior to the fall and went to see my primary doctor as well as a podiatrist that was referred to look at my feet with this unknown condition. Neither knew what was going on with me. I guess if you not have diabetes that doctors don’t even notice when you begin to get neuropathy. In July 2017, I ended up in hospital for 3 months while they figured it out since my insurance blocked them from doing something that was beyond cruel. They kept saying that it must be psychological since none of the tests they did on me was showing anything physically wrong. Even though the medication they gave me at a high dose caused my feet to lessen in their numbness. The test for neuropathy was never brought in til close to 2½ months. If you know about this stuff then you know that nerve test is not fun but it finally told them that I actually had a physical ailment.

I struggled all those months in the hospital to walk well at all. The palm of my hands would be red from my holding onto dear life of the standard walker that I got early on in the hospital thanks to my insurance. I got to the point that the walker became like a best friend. You have to get used to this new normal of life. It took me going home to finally start walking better slowly but surely. The speedy nurses and techs always made me extremely panicky that I wss going to fall. I fell more in the hospital than ever had at home. I tend to laugh at that now by saying they had no idea how to handle my ailment as I was on a gastric ward.

I’m summarizing this time in my life alot but it was a nitemare where at times I still get fearful dreams that people are trying to send me to a nursing home out of state. It’s what happened in there where they kept bringing it up. I grateful that my insurance never allowed it. It felt like they had more faith in me than doctors, nurses, and techs. Just another emotional scar in my life now. I still suffer from peripheral neuropathy but I went from using a wheelchair to using my walker to walking in my apartment. I have major walking issues still when I wearing shoes or when my balance is off. It’s simply how my life is. I going to wrap it up here. Thankies for reading.

Less Than Myself

April 4, 2022 — Leave a comment

Two times in my life have for the most part defined how everything is for me now as I creep up to 45 years of age. You have dreams of a life you want to have and you study endlessly in school then go off to college in hopes that all will lead to all you wanted in life. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do as a major in college going into the summer break of my first year so everything was up in the air. I’d never been so unsure about my life’s path til that first year of college. My schooling never prepared me for the absolute difficulty of the professors and coursework so I’d already change a major after first semester. It was a spiraling year where I was feeling like a tiny mouse in a cramped cage that I couldn’t figure out how to get to the food and water.

In August of that summer break, I was about to be 20 years of age and I was actually in a relationship with a guy I’d been friends with in school for years so I thought life was great. I’d decided on a major of computer science which I felt I’d be excellent at. Also enjoyed the unlimited free time of that summer being with my baby niece who was heading to being a year old that coming autumn. I started to feel nausea alot during August and it got to where it was so often that I didn’t know what to do. I felt nauseous my first week of freshman year of high school and it felt like that but it wouldn’t go away. It was less around my boyfriend at the time and of course when I was home that was my mom’s place back then. Time came I had to go back to college and the very first morning going to the city bus to head to the college, I experienced dry heaves the whole walk from my mom’s place to the bus stop and I literally felt like I was dying. I still went on the bus, breathing hard the whole way, and had to try to focus on one thing while listening to music just to try not to be sick. The first class I couldn’t concentrate at all or even realize I was actually in a class in my mind ’cause all I could think about was how unwell I felt and how weird everything felt. It only got worse when I left the classroom as I was walking through the hallway that I knew well after a year of going to this college and suddenly I didn’t know which way was left or right or even straight. I have to say that feeling disoriented is one of the worst feelings you can ever have when you in a familiar place. After I managed to make it through the day, I had begged my mom to come pick me up using an excuse that I had alot of heavy textbooks which I did. I went home, the nausea got overwhelming, and I unofficially dropped out of college which I hated myself.

Why was I so nauseous? It took til I was 24 years of age for me to finally have insurance again so I could seek help to find out. There was nothing medically wrong so I was told to seek a psychological place which I did with my mom in tow. She became like a security blanket for awhile to appointments. It only took like 2 appointments for the psychiatrist to figure it out what I had but took longer to deal with it. The unbearable overwhelming nausea was from agoraphobia where it made me afraid to even leave my mom’s place. I have it again as I mentioned in the Pandemic blog post. It did get fixed enough to go dormant after a long bit of psychiatry and therapy plus medication. Psychiatrist found that lying underneath was severe panic disorder, depression (which is persistent now), and PTSD. I felt like relieved to know what I had but also scared. The diagnosis came with the ever changing medications and I felt like a guinea pig. I’ll talk about all that difficulty in another blog. I rambling a bit.

I never went back to college and years went by with my battle of my mental health. Next I knew I was nearing my 40th birthday, it’s the spring and out of nowhere I’m shopping with my mom on our weekly trips when my feet suddenly feel odd. All I can remember from over 4 years ago is my feet slowly feeling like walking on tiny pillows or cushions. I’d wiggle my toes and at times I barely would feel them move. As July approached, my fingers started to feel tingle numb here and there. I went to see my primary doctor which he had no explanation for it after blood tests so he referred me to a foot doctor and they didn’t know but gave me gabapentin for the pain. The end of July, I fell on left foot and literally couldn’t stand so I had call 911. Trust me that you not find those commercials funny after this happens to you. So after my now dearly departed cat Ariella was scared and worried as I was taken away, I got to hospital waiting forever for help. It took 3 months in that hospital to get a neurological machine in to show that I had peripheral neuropathy. Yea epic facepalm to the hospital. I take a bunch of gabapentin now which does nothing for the pain. It took me over 2 years to walk through my apartment with a walker, another year to toddler and walk without a walker in my apartment, and now I use a walker around my apartment building with shoes on though my left foot just isn’t nice about it at times. I getting there. It just changed my life. I used to be speedy walking out this apartment building that I was like a ghost to the tenants. I’m an introvert and sometimes you want your space so I miss the days they didn’t notice me. I’ll speak more about my neuropathy in a future post.

Well I think this post is long enough. I’ll leave other thoughts for another blog post very soon. Thankies for reading. Blessed be. 😺

Pandemic Chaotic Life

March 26, 2022 — Leave a comment

As mentioned in the “Living Broken Doll” blog post, I do deal with mental health issues so the onslaught of the beginning of Covid brought on an increase to it all which I didn’t think was possible. The closing of places like the therapy clinic I go to for lockdowns happened fairly quickly as it all started here in New York state. I didn’t have therapy for like a month as they tried to figure out how they were going to do all this while patients couldn’t physically come in. I always used to wish to be able to have doctor appointments at home to make things so much less stressful and panicky but it’s not what it’s cracked up to be. The fact of having your doctor or therapist having you on speakerphone is so difficult for the sheer matter that it hard for me to fully hear them. They do it on web visits too instead of use earphone or headphones micphones. Alas it’s the way you do it while there is cases out there.

I redeveloped agoraphobia during the first few months of the pandemic. Between the fear of getting it every time I left my apartment to check mail and such to the isolation I was feeling on a daily basis. I still struggling with be so fearful of leaving my apartment building. The not knowing and the now masks mandates gone. It’s just so hard for me when I have asthma despite being triple vaccinated to feel safe. Covid being a deadly respiratory virus just makes it dangerous for me. Although you’d think I would’ve felt calmer after I saw this Youtuber I follow that has asthma worse than me who got Covid and survived but nope I still afraid. Phobias are a whole new level of mental disorders.

I recently broke down in tears to a care manager I have saying that I couldn’t take feeling this way anymore. The isolation and agoraphobia the past 2 years hard just taken it’s toll on me. I’ve had my psychological medications messed up like 3 times during the whole pandemic and have gone through withdrawals which aren’t a nice feeling at all. I only take 2 psychological medications in case anyone thinks I on a ton of them. One for mood and another for depression/panic. So my care manager said he’d try to help me anyway he can. I wait to see that happen since care managers in my experience aren’t really there for helping me totally.

I’ll update on this as things get better and I overcome the agoraphobia. I hate that it resurfaced. It took me like 20 years to get it dormant. Thankies for reading. Blessed be.

Living broken doll

March 22, 2022 — Leave a comment

Sometimes you are born into a life that is early on to be a difficult start full of pain, fear, and sadness. At such a young age where I was unable to talk and still learning to walk so can’t defend yourself at all so I was depending on an adult to save me. It hard to have such happen when the only other adult is needing saving themselves. The mind does a quick job at hiding the memories once when removed from the situation when the other adult gets away from the bad that was going on which is called repression. This repression helped me to continue on with my life as I grew up but it was still not an easy life despite how my mind protected me. I was hit with an onslaught of bullying beginning at the age of 9 that didn’t stop til my senior year of high school. It’s the reason why I feel that people see everything in looks and they think overweight people are those to be looked down upon. I became overweight at 9 yrs old unknown to why and it been a fighting battle since. I’d like to touch on all that in another post though.

I’m sure that without me mentioning what happened to me as a toddler that it obvious. I should say that I was physically abused at 2 yrs old and again at 5 yrs old. Divorce was a good thing in this case that kept me safe. However the damage was already done. PTSD is one diagnosis I have from the abuse and the repression unfolding a couple decades ago. I’ll say in simple forms that vividness of my nitemares are to the point that I wake thinking it was actually real and even my dreams are vivid. I’m known to yell out “no” or some other words from my nitemares due to the realness of them. It’s extremely scary that I couldn’t fully describe in words. The sheer waking up in tears, body shaking, and just wanting to be held is new types of feelings for me in the past few years. I’ll discuss why this is happening in an upcoming post since it is in depth.

In a cycle of different therapists I been through in couple of decades, some would say to forgive the one who abused me so I could move on and get some kind of peace. I have tried to at least speak to that person and try to understand why they did it. After all my suffering, I guess I think maybe they have some mental health strife but they twisted my intentions so I gave up. I refuse to forgive them. I won’t listen to anyone give advice on that to do such since I know how this person is. They have made me doubt myself, doubt men, doubt love, and such. It just not how my life should have been. I deserved so much better of a life (my bff Claire always said).

Thankies for reading about this personal part of my life. Upcoming posts will delve more into my life. I hold nothing back. If you not into these things then please just look at rest of my site. Blessed be.

Kitty Deviance™

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